Thursday, December 22, 2011

My strange internal struggle of the unexplainable..

I‘ve had some conflicting emotions gradually rising throughout the year of 2011.
The social systems I see have radically different values in contrast to my own ,
people around me don‘t seem to follow the same sort of standards as I do at all.

My mind is more girly and eccentric than I‘ve been showing for most of my life.
Sides of me which have been supressed are coming out slowly ,little by little..

...I see some things I‘d rather not see ,we see more and more during this time
because we have to choose which things we prefer to see in order to make some
changes for the better and if we can‘t see what we know is wrong to us ,
then how could we change it?

I‘m a girl ,but I‘m also a boy. Therein lies most of the struggle.
Most would say that I can‘t be both but what do they know? They‘re all wrong.
If they can't see or wont ,how could they know? I have my ways of seeing things
which would seem utterly bizarre to most I've met ,or those who fit in the system.

The current system has mostly favored the male rulers to be trampling on others
but its slowly changing for the better...I favor rights ,respect ,privacy and mercy..

I‘m more like 2 parts female and 1 part male. The more prevalent outlook
will now start changing more towards the female aspects ,in the year ahead.

In approximately one year I may have brought my feminine side out fully.
Nothing is set in stone...but it‘s my desire to rid myself of the uncomfortable
male aspects like bad odors ,stingy hairs in odd places and various ailments.

I can‘t quite explain it right now why I feel that I‘m 2 parts girl & only 1 part male ,
its simply something I‘ve felt as far back as I can remember.

I‘m comfortably uncomfortable. It sounds really strange but I am! ^^;;

I can also be happy and sad at the same time...I feel that a lot these days.

During my time here I‘ve already changed lots and made lots and lots of progress
toward being more able to live my dreams. And yet I‘m still within this very limited
system of ridiculous rules and laws made up by thems whose values are so
outdated and narrow-minded. We should set up a system in which we don‘t need
laws like that. Just look at the Japanese ,during the disasters they acted orderly
in situations in which most of the western countries would have had riotings..

I aim to become more assertive. At times in the past I‘ve been either too lenient
or in some cases way too harsh and this doesn‘t really suit me.

Anger is a useless emotion in most situations. Fears are defensive mechanisms
and should be used as such. They alert one of potentially hazardous conditions.

The trick is to de-condition. How do we do that? I‘m still learning..

...but someone said that when you de-condition ,you can make things better.

Maybe by assigning your own conditionings?

Or moving through un-needed or unwanted ones?

Much ponderings. I get lonely lots ,despite being in family residenses.
My loneliness is from my lack of intimate contact with lovers whom I‘d like to
cuddle with ,hold hands and go to fun places with among other things.

It didn‘t help much that most of my contacts online have nows gotten married ,
had kids or started living with a random designated lover who isn‘t me.

The system prohibits many lovers or so it would seem. The ones that do are
called names and/or looked down on by most of the people in the system.

I‘d be happy with even just one ,but why stop there? It seems so limited to me
how most things in the system work...alcohol and nicotine kill more than some
of the forbidden drugs it seems ,not that I‘d ever need any of those since I already
gots a naturally occurring substance in my brain ,responsible for dreaming and
near death-experiences aswell as them psychic links to the æther and god.

This substance is actually classified as an illegal drug in lots of places though :o
Its called Di Methyl Tryptamine (DMT) and is used in the pineal gland (Third eye)
You can look it up for yourself and see the truth.

Myes ,I very much believe in god ,as I believe in myself. My perspective of god
may be different from most peoples in a way...but there absolutely is one.

I‘ve studied lots into these things and discoverd lots of remarkable thingies ^o^

Anyways ,back to my strange struggles..
I‘ve gotten myself lots of pretty things ,bought ,traded and found mostly.
Some of them thingies are really girly and remain hidden until I‘m ready to reveal
thems while many of thems I‘ve decorated my room with or wear daily.

They be my trophies ,treasures and delights because of the values I put on thems
by myself. They might not be worth as much to others..
That‘s how a true economy should work!

At times I get strange images in my head of relatives ,people or things I‘ve been
around much which makes me question why it lingers like that.
There have been many non-preferable ones...but..

Its just information and I choose if I wish to act upon it or not and if it‘s unfavorable
then I won‘t need to act upon it should I not wish to.

I‘ve been away most of this month because of games which I‘ve been excited about.
Most my friends play thems and Skyrim is like the game of 2011 so all gamers
know it now me least all the gamers who are up to date on things.


I‘ve also been playing Terraria somewhat. If you‘d like to play Terraria with me ,
drop me a line and I‘ll get into it :3


Besides these ,I‘ve been playing a certain fishing game lots. Its a fun game.

But that‘s about it for nows..

Thank you for reading~!

No comments:

Post a Comment